STUDY BREAK! I know I said I was on hiatusaurus (these dinosaur turns-of-phrase getting old yet?), but I figured I'd throw you all a bone to pick your teeth with in the meantime. So here are my favorite quotes from last night's NBC comedy lineup.
Community- "Modern Warfare" (Spot's Pick: Maybe not the best quotables, but the cliche-happy action sequences and countless tongue-in-cheek nods to movies like Terminator 2, Scarface, Rambo, 28 Days Later and Hard Boiled make this the best episode of the night)
Abed: To be blunt, Jeff and Britta are no Ross and Rachel. Your sexual tension and lack of chemistry are putting us all on edge, which is why, ironically--and hear this on every level--you are keeping us from being "FRIENDS."
Jeff [before shooting the Chess Club with paintballs]: Checkmate, bitches...and tell the Drama Club their tears will be real today.
Abed: Anyone need a pee break?
Pierce: I'll stand guard. I'm wearing a diaper...for the game.
Jeff: Oh yeah, "for the game."
Britta: Oh my g-d, you've been hit.
Jeff: What? Oh no! Oh wait, wait. It's blood. I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck, phew.
Jeff [to Britta, about sleeping together]: Absolutely no need to mention it to anyone.
Britta: Right, no big deal, nothing's changed. [They walk into the study room]
Abed: ...something's changed.
Jeff: Oh Abed, crazy Abed...
Abed: No, something's different now.
Pierce: It could be me. I'm sporting a man-thong.
Abed: ...maybe.
Parks and Recreation- "Telethon"
Ron: I like a dog as much as the next guy, but this building does not allow animals. Andy, take him outside.
Andy: And shoot him?!
Ron: No, just take him outside.
Mark: I'm going to ask [Anne] to marry me. I love her and...
Leslie: Horesback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. No, she should be in the balloon, and you ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback, point to the sky, and in skywriting it says "Marry me Anne." [...] Can you get five eagles? Get ten eagles!
Mark: Leslie...
Leslie: Right, it's your life. Get as many eagles as you want.
Tom: Does Pawnee Local Access even have hair and makeup?
Leslie: Well, they have a communal lipstick, and a box of combs.
Tom: You know who would be the coolest celebrity to hang out with? Chris Angel. You'd be talking to him and then he'd like just burst into flames.
Ron: I suffer from a condition. It's called Sleep Fighting.
Leslie: Oh my, that must be terrible.
Ron. Only when I'm losing.
The Office- "The Cover-Up"
Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in morse code. Well you know what? The joke's on you because I know morse code.
Jim [sarcastically]: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and on our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny, and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
Jim [confessional to the camera, sincerely]: Yup, that's exactly what we did.
Michael [confessional to the camera]: Things with Donna are going great. We are just clicking on every level. Emotionally. Sexually. Orally.
Jim: Wow, it's a little too early for ice cream, don't you think?
Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonaise and black olives.
[Jim and Pam cry out in disgust]
Michael: It's comfort food.
Donna: I told you I like you.
Michael: Well you...are bonerific.
Donna: [laughs] Hey if I said we should go away for a couple of days you would...
Michael: Poop my pants.
Donna: Ever been to Vero Beach?
Michael: Oh my g-d. Vero Beach? No. Is that on the water?
30 Rock- "The Moms"
Will Ferrell as "Bitch Hunter": Put the mimosas DOWN, bitch!
Margaret Lemon: Oh yes, we met a few years ago when the girls were living together in Chicago.
Verna Maroney: YOU MUST HAVE ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO CHICAGO. [Under her breath] I sexually assaulted Scotty Pippen in 1997.
Jack: In the meantime, Kenneth here will, uh, entertain you.
Colleen: Okay, Kenneth. "Entertain" me.
Kenneth [singing and dancing]: Oooooh, the pickles in the creek, and the frog's in the kitchen. [Stops singing] I apologize ma'am, that is not a song. You make me very nervous.
Verna: That's gonna be a problem for me. You see, I already spent that down payment on one half of my boob job. It's not an implant; it's just a little yank-up, you know. I mean I got the meat, Jack. Go ahead, feel them. Feel the difference.
Jack: Very different indeed. Like a cantaloupe, and a zip-lock bag full of mushroom soup.
Tracy: You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor, and a Guinness Book of World Record holder for most car accidents in a single year. [...]
Novella: And do you think I want a fake son who recorded an anti-condom PSA?
Tracy: I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!!
Jenna: Tracy, this Mother's Day thing is a disaster.
Tracy: I hear you! Because you are talking in an ear that I didn't lose a button in.
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