Oscar Spotting with The Spot

7:48pm- I can't tell what is making me wince in pain more: Barbara Walters' pre-show interview of Sandra Bullock ("Is it pronounced Sandra or Sondra?"), or the realization that there are many people who are unable to watch the Oscars tonight because of the ongoing battle between Cablevision and ABC. For many people, being unable to watch the Academy Awards is an absolute tragedy. Perhaps the biggest night of the year for pop culture, this year's ceremony seems to be even more exciting than usual. The stage is set for a hilarious show hosted by two comedic geniuses who, after working together in a few episodes of 30 Rock as well as the romantic comedy It's Complicated, have a chemistry all their own: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Furthermore, the best picture category may in itself hold the answer to one of the biggest questions in film-making. With front runners Avatar and The Hurt Locker battling for the coveted golden statue, it seems we may finally see what makes a better movie: an epic tale and a huge production budget, or subtle indie emotion and drama. And yet a large portion of my friends and family are currently unable to watch. It's hard to say who's fault it is, really, but regardless, it sucks that the FCC hasn't stepped in and ended all of these struggles. Basic cable channels should be available to everyone, regardless of their service provider. I'm sure its not that simple, but come on, this is ridiculous. Oh well. If you missed the show, you can follow along here, as I give you the minute-to-minute rundown.

8:03pm- On the red carpet now, and the best supporting actress nominees are lined up and being interviewed. Besides an awkward exchange between Mo'Nique and Maggie Gyllenhaal (yes, Mo, your feet are indeed on the ground), only one thing really stands out: Vera Farmiga's dress! Not that I'm much of a fashion buff, but that thing is terrifying. It's like a scarlet doily tornado is tearing her limb from limb! Somebody save her! Oh well, Anna Kendrick looks good; that girl has some career ahead of her.

8:10pm- Is it just me, or is Helen Mirren simply a British version of Meryl Streep? Or maybe it's the other way around...

8:16pm- Evidence that the world is ending #1: before cutting to commercial, we catch glimpses of the following celebrities walking the red carpet: the visionary James Cameron, followed by goof-ball genius Quentin Tarantino, and then...Taylor Lautner!? Come on, ABC...

8:18pm- Evidence that the world is ending #2: ...and then we get a commercial featuring Whoopi Goldberg talking about how she wets herself. Really?

8:27pm- Red Carpet just wrapped. I can't wait to see what Martin and Baldwin have in store for us...

8:33pm- NPH! No way! The song could have been funnier, but it was just campy enough for my taste.

8:38pm- Baldwin and Martin's opening comedy act was a huge success. Highlights for me: Martin's joke about Meryl Streep collecting Nazi memorabilia, the comment about Precious being a video game adaptation, and Baldwin's multiple death stares at George Clooney. Don't know if Sam Worthington really enjoyed the segment with those floating jellyfish things from Avatar, though. He looked a little confused. Oh well.

8:44pm- And the award for best supporting actor goes to...wow, these clips sure are long. Have they always been this elaborate? But oh well, the award goes to...Christoph Waltz! Wait a second...what is this scrolling bottom line announcement!? This is so rude and ridiculous. No body is listening to Waltz's speech anymore, they are just calling all their friends who have Cablevision to tell them they can now watch the awards. Don't get me wrong, this resolution between ABC and Cablevision is a good thing. But come on! Not in the middle of this guy's speech. I really hated that. But either way, congrats to Waltz, its a shame ABC just overshadowed your victory with their own.

8:56pm- Cameron Diaz (who looks absolutely stunning, by the way) and Steve Carrel are up to introduce the nominees for best animated picture...AND THAT DAMN ANNOUNCEMENT IS BACK! Ridiculous...alright I'm over it. But the award for best animated feature film goes to...Up! That dog Dug is hilarious: "I will explore this now...(sniffs the camera)...this is not food." Priceless.

9:00pm- I hate to stoop this low, but...IT'S MILEY! She needs to get her teeth fixed, but Amanda Seyfried looks hot. And the award for best original song in a motion picture goes to..."The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart. T-Bone Burnett look like James Cameron crossed with Frankenstein! ::Shutters::

9:12pm- Wow, there probably isn't a pair of people who represent what I love about Hollywood today more than this duo: Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. Great rapport between the two of them, and I love Downey's blue bow-tie and matching sunglasses. And wow, Tina Fey, good job with that awkward screenplay reading. And the winner for best screenplay is...Mark Boal for The Hurt Locker. So that's Bomb Squad-1, Blue People-0, for those of your keeping score at home.

9:18pm- RIP John Hughes. Such classic, genre-defining films: The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Weird Science, Home Alone, and the list goes on. Also, great line by, Broderick: "Hey Ferris, is this your day off?" I really like this segment; a very tasteful walk down memory lane with an iconic filmmaker.

9:27pm- Zoe Saldana: gorgeous girl, ugly dress. Fine from the waste up, but below that, it's like a skirt made out of skinned Muppets! Yeah I said it, big whoop, want to fight about it? And the Oscar for best animated short film goes to...Logorama. Funny french guy accepts the award. Best documentary short film goes to...Music by Prudence. Some old white woman steals the stage. Best live action short film...The New Tenants. Fun trivia: Kevin Corrigan, the older guy who hosts the party and tries to beat up Jonah Hill in Superbad and also one of the hitmen from Pineapple Express, stars in this dramatic short. Caught that during the clip, give yourselves extra credit if you did too.

9:38pm- Ben Stiller dressed as a Navi from Avatar. Best part: his goatee poking through the blue face paint. But don't worry, he brought a hair net (nice!). And the award for best make up goes to...Star Trek.

9:45pm- Getting a little bored with these second-tier awards, so I flipped over to FOX to catch some Family Guy. Stewie convinces Brian to stroke his own tail in a sexually suggestive manner. Gotta love TV.

9:50pm- Back to ABC. And the award for best adapted screenplay goes to...Precious. Steve Martin follows up a tear-filled speech with a fantastic, impromptu quip: "I wrote that speech for him." Awesome.

9:56pm- Back to the important ones, with Robin Williams at the helm. He makes a joke about testicles, and then moves on with the nominees for best supporting actress. And the Oscar goes to...Mo'Nique. No surprises here. And to think, just last night I was watching her on Comedy Central as Cherry in the movie Beerfest. What a career! But in all seriousness, a well deserved award for a come-from-nowhere comedian turned actress. Bravo.

10:05pm- Dude, I love Sigourney Weaver. Alien, Aliens, Avatar; all fantastic sci-fi epics, all right up my alley. She is like queen of the nerds. Kind of like Carrie Fischer with a career. Anyway, the Oscar for best art direction goes to...Avatar! Dances with Smurfs-1, Big Bang Theory-1. And the battle continues.

10:09pm- A joke goes over Keanu Reeves' head. Much like the past two award winners, no one is surprised. And the Oscar for best costume design goes to...The Young Victorian. And Sandy Powell manages to give a particularly cocky and self-centered acceptance speech.

10:17pm- Baldwin and Martin get into bed together for a Paranormal Activity spoof. Much tossing, turning, sleep walking, and rolling off the bed ensues. Good stuff. Looking forward to this tribute to horror films.

10:22pm- Great montage. Tarantino liked it. I caught that From Dusk till Dawn shot some people may have missed. What a classic example of a movie that is so bad, it's good.

10:24pm- And the Oscar for best sound editing goes to...Paul N.J. Ottosson for The Hurt Locker. 2 to 1 now. And the Oscar for best sound mixing goes to...Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett for The Hurt Locker. Oh boy. 3-1 in favor of Bigelow's war drama. Some surprises here I think. I kind of figured Avatar would take all the technical awards, and The Hurt Locker would walk away with best picture. Guess I was wrong. We'll just have to wait to see how this all plays out.

10:34pm- Some more great material from Steve Martin, introducing Sandra Bullock with a nice shot at Miss Congeniality 2. How he left out All About Steve is beyond me. And the Oscar for best cinematography goes to...Mauro Fiore for Avatar. Uh oh, 3-2 now. And this guys speaks great English for a phenomenally un-American name. Good looks, Mauro.

10:38pm- Not to take away from the gravity of honoring those who have died, but I thought this cover of the Beatles' song "In My Life" by James Taylor was fantastic. Good choice of song and musician to pay tribute to a year where we have lost way too many talented actors and filmmakers.

10:45pm- Oh how cool is this! Having street dancers perform during music from each of the nominees for best original score is a stroke of genius if you ask me. What is often a forgotten category gets a fresh and focused make-over. It's a little bizarre, but definitely works, and I love it. I particularly liked the Fantastic Mr. Fox and Avatar segments. Now back to the award for best original score. And the Oscar goes to...Up! Meh, no opinion from me here. Though I did enjoy the acceptor almost stepping on J-Lo's dress. Would have been great if we had a good ol' fashioned wardrobe malfunction.

10:54pm- Best special effects now, with beef cakes Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper at the podium. And the winner is...Avatar. Again no surprises. And we are back even at 3-3! Hooray for heated competition!

11:01pm- Another snoozer: best documentary. Don't mean to sound insensitive towards the serious subjects of these films, but come on? Who has seen any of these besides Food, Inc. I should have DVRed this thing and started it an our late so I could fast-forward through these lulls. Yawnnnnn. And the Oscar for best documentary goes to...The Cove. Wait, was that Fisher Stevens? He was the producer on this thing? Didn't he play Iggy Koopa in the awful Super Mario Bros movie? Awesome.

11:07pm- Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin backstage in Snuggies FTW! Nice jab, Tyler Perry. And the award for best editing goes to...The Hurt Locker. Ugh, these two acceptors look like they are straight out of that horror movie montage. It's like the bride of Frankenstein and the hunchback of Notre Dame. Oh well. 4-3, the Bomb Squad. We shall see, ladies and gents, we shall see.

11:09pm- Keanu Reeves says the words "authentic" and "intense," two words that have never been used to describe any of his turns as a lead actor. Buzzinga! I think I am slowly losing my mind watching this thing. It's so long! All in the line of duty, I guess. ::Grumbles to himself maniacally::

11:15pm- Another LOL moment thanks to Baldwin and Martin. This time they joke that "Quentin" and "Pedro," the names of the next presenters, are also their pet names for one another. And the Oscar for best foreign language film goes to...El Secreto de Sus Ojos. Ok, baldy, speed it up now. Four awards to go: director, actor, actress, and, of course, best film. Now we are in the real thick of it.

11:19pm- Kathy Bates explains that Avatar is the largest grossing film of all time. Funny thing is, she is the largest, grossest actress of all time! Buzzinga x 2!! Just kidding, though I don't know what is scarier: her craziness in Misery, or the hot tub scene from About Schmidt. LOSING MY MIND!

11:24pm- Here we go, best actor time. I'm pulling for Jeff Bridges here. Tron, The Big Lebowski, Iron Man, and now Crazy Heart, this guy can do it all. Before we get to the award, though, I have to give props to Tim Robbins and Colin Farrell for two funny and heartfelt introductions to nominees Morgan Freeman and Jeremy Renner, respectively. But back to the show. The award for best actor goes to...Jeff Bridges. W00t! Love this guy, love his work. And did you know he is also the voice behind all those Hyundai commercials? The dude abides. And what a dude he is up there! He just said groovy! I love it!

11:39pm- A commercial for the iPad. Isn't it just a big iPod touch? Whatever.

11:40pm- A now on to best actress. This is a really tough call. It seems like its between Streep and Bullock, but I dunno, Gabourey Sidibe could pull the upset here. Only time will tell...just have to wade through more of these sappy introductions by the nominees' friends and colleagues. Blah, blah, blah...wrap it up Oprah...we get the point Tucci...alright here we go. And the award for best actress goes to...Sandra Bullock! I have to admit, I am actually very happy she won. Not that I absolutely loved this movie, but to go from flops like Speed 2, All About Steve, and The Lake House, to winning best actress; I mean, that's an accomplishment all its own. But then I think about her turn in Crash and now in The Blindside, I realize this is totally deserved. Congrats, Sandra, but you'll always be the wildcat from Speed to me.

11:52pm- Time for best director. What a big decision here for the Academy. Two potential firsts: a woman, and an African American. Plus, we get to wallow in the fact that Kathryn Bigelow of The Hurt Locker is James Cameron's ex-wife. Ok, sing in Streisand. And the winner for best director is...Kathryn Bigelow, the first female director to ever win in this category. And with that, The Hurt Locker pulls ahead of Avatar 5-3, and is locked in as the winningest film of the award show. But will it finish with another win for best picture and take home 6 awards total? Or will Avatar be crowned film supreme? Tom Hanks is about to tell us...

11:58pm- 10 films. One winner. And that winner, for best picture, is...The Hurt Locker! As mentioned earlier, this film, along with Avatar, was the front runner from the very beginning. And with this win, their total rises to 6 Oscars out of 9 nominations on the night. I'm sure there is a lot of analysis to go along with this win, but it's midnight, and I am exhausted from this long, arduous trek of an awards show. I have to give a special thanks to Tom Hanks for making that last presentation particularly short, and to Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin for being legitimately funny during their short time on stage. I just wish there was less rambling by the winners and less second-tier awards so that these two could have had more stage time together. And with that, I have to sign off. Predictions for next year: Iron Man 2 wins for best picture!