Welcome to my new segment, "Quote-osaurus," where I watch a night of television shows and then repeat my favorite funny quotes so you can enjoy them too! I will also be picking my favorite episode from that night so you know what to track down on Hulu if you for some reason don't DVR every single show on TV (like I do). First up, my favorite night of comedy television, NBC Thursdays. Here are the best quotes from last night's episodes of Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock!
Community- "Basic Genealogy"
Shirley: I'm so excited for everyone to meet my sons.
Abed: I hope they're not twins; twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is...
Troy: Thinking.
Abed: Yeah. And they're always finishing eachother's...
Troy: Pie.
Abed: It's creepy.
Shirley: Your heart is desensitized, Jeff. You're like a machine that feels no love, just sex. You're like the Bootynator. You know, the Bootynator, like "I'll be back," but with booty.
Troy: Why would the Bootynator be back with booty, wouldn't he just try and kill it?
Abed: Well maybe he kills it and brings it back as a trophy.
Annie: Why would he want dead booty?
Troy: I want pirate's booty.
Abed's Father: Look at this! You are a bad mother! Now I have to go to the car and get my emergency shirt. And I don't even like that shirt!
Pierce [playing Pictionary]: Smiling sideways vagina!
Amber: No.
Pierce: Happy sideways vagina!
Pierce [comforting Jeff]: It's ok, it's ok. Let it out.
Jeff: We always used to watch the shows she wanted to watch. I hate Glee.
Pierce: Yeah, I'm not crazy about Glee either.
Jeff [sobbing]: I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.
Parks and Recreation- "The Possum" (Spot's Pick: best episode of the night)
April [to camera]: Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls "Shoeshine Head." It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers, and napping on the floor.
Leslie: Eugene! Boy, we have a really important job for you.
Eugene: We'll get to it first thing Monday.
Leslie: ...today's Wednesday. Look, this is not a request.
Andy: We are acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
Leslie: Office.
Tom [to camera]: I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal, that man is a god!
Mark: Ron, none of this is up to code . . . there's no drainage, doesn't seem to be any ventilation, you've got hazardous chemicals over here.
Ron: Yeah, which only I am breathing. It's the same liberty which gives me the right to fart in my car. Are you gonna tell a man he can't fart in his own car?
Andy [to camera]: By day, Andy Dwyer, shoe shinest. By other time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night...do whatever I want. No job.
Andy: I lived in the pit for the better part of last year, and I made some vermin friends. You know what, "friends" sounds stupid. Colleagues. They are bad at sharing, but good at tag.
Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn. We're not sure that the possum we caught is in fact Fairway Frank.
Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
Leslie: Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
Evelyn: No, he's not a monster. He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.
Leslie: Ewww.
The Office- "St. Patrick's Day"
Michael: Hello hello. Top of the mornin' to ya! Ooo, green M'n'Ms! Nature's Viagra. Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It's gonna be a good day.
Michael [to camera]: It is St. Patrick's Day. And here at Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Erin: Nice kilt.
Andy: Thanks. It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.
Dwight [to camera]: They say that no man is an island. False. I am an island, and this island is volcanic. And itmis about to erupt with the molten hot lava of strategy.
[Erin sneezes]
Angela: Are you sick.
Erin: No, I just have a little indigestion.
Angela: In your nose?
Erin: Yes.
Michael [to camera]: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? 26, single, tied to my desk, no life, no family. I'd want to have been married by the time I would have turned 30. That's just...that's just depressing.
30 Rock- "Future Husband"
Liz: When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle in my DVD player?
Jack: You did. You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, and then turned it off.
Liz: Yikes, thanks for babysitting me.
Jack: I did my best, but you were pretty far gone. You kept trying to order in-home massages off Craigslist.
Kenneth: Oh, Mr. Rositano called to say that he overslept, and that I should make up an excuse for him. So here it goes: on his way to work, Mr. Rositano found some magic beans, and because he believed in them...
Liz: Shut it.
Liz: Oh come on, I mean, you're not really a doctor.
Dr. Kaplan: Well if that's how you feel, then you're not really a patient. And people who aren't patients don't get toys from the treat bucket.
Liz: But there's a Batman in there!
Dr. Kaplan: Yeah, and if you wind him up, he swims in the bath.
Liz: Damn you, Kaplan!
Jack: Avery, I have some information for you, but in exchange I need you to do something for me.
Avery: Like I told you last night, no. Why would you even want to braid my hair?
Jack: Because it's romantic and I am very good at it. But this is strictly professional.
Jenna: If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again.
Kenneth: I'm either really happy, or I'm having a really bad donkey-spell.
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